I've been thinking...

...so much about parenting lately. I know, BIG surprise! But my full time JOB is to be a mom, so you can see why it consumes so much of my thoughts and time. I have two boys. Two wonderful, bouncing boys. When they were babies I heard a small rumour that boys are 'more difficult' as toddlers.... so I got a book on how to raise boys. This book told me that boys are more energetic, competitive, have short attention spans, and in general they act first, think later... but this hadn't been my experience. I found my boys to be super easy, they listened excellently, weren't rambunctious, and overall a joy to be around. I went to a playgroup where one of the other moms had a boy about 8 months older than Ethan (who was 2 at the time), and she would tell me that he was so much work because he just wanted to run and be active all the time. Again, I couldn't relate.



But then, one day, quite recently, I realized that my boys are turning into boys. Real boys. The way I've heard boys described. And I get it now. I get why people say they're harder to handle in these early years. I'll be sitting at the computer editing pictures and all of a sudden snap because I realize Ethan is bouncing beside me. Literally, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, on the spot, right beside me!
"Ethan, just stop! PLEASE go bounce somewhere else!"
Or I'll be fixing something like the hose on the dryer and realize that Ethan is just sitting there crashing a car into my leg "Ethan! Stop it, that hurts me! Go crash somewhere else!" So then he'll start knocking on things in the laundry room - the washer, the furnace, the dryer - pretty much everything loud he can find. "ETHAN, please stop that, it's too loud!" And thus it continues... SO, the point of this post is about parenting, not on the actions of my energetic 3 1/2 year old. I found myself shouting to get his attention, using punishment in hopes of correcting his behaviour, threatening with removal of privileges or favourite toys, to no avail.... Ethan had figured out how to work me!! One night I realized that for a few nights in a row, Ethan would constantly get out of bed, turn on his light, and read or play in his room til 10:00 at night! For a few nights, I'd go up, threaten with spankings, not going to friends' houses, etc... but his actions weren't changing. Yes, it would take a few times and he'd quit, but I'd prefer to prevent the behaviour from happening altogether! My sister happened to call me one evening as this process was occurring, and I ended up having a good talk with her. Then the next day I read a good parenting article online, and had a revelation.

I have changed the way I parent. I've known for a long time that we shouldn't use punishment as a way to control our children - it might seem effective, but doesn't actually teach them to be self motivated or learn how to make right choices based on internal motivators. All that punishment does is teach them shame for their actions. I've known this for a while, but was finding it hard in the moment to know how to implement the type of parenting I know I should do! SO, I've realized that I need to discipline without anger. Anger is often used as manipulation to get others to do what WE want, including our children. They often know that they don't actually have to listen until we 'get mad.' Kids need to learn to make good choices based on natural consequences. For example, Ethan kept getting out of bed so I told him that he needed to make a choice - bedtime could be a really special time of the day where we read stories and have snuggles, and he gets his favourite blankets, or it can be an unhappy time of the day if he chooses not to obey. If he doesn't obey when he's told to go to the bathroom and brush his teeth, then he doesn't get a story. If he gets out of bed, I will take his favourite blanket away. But the KEY is in the delivery. I am not angry when I tell him this. It's just a fact. He has a choice to make. One with good results, one with negative ones. It actually took a couple nights for him to catch on, and resulted in him not getting to sleep with his favourite blanket. He CRIED AND CRIED for his blanket, but I told him softly and lovingly that it was hard for me to take it away because I knew it made him sad, but that was the choice he made and that it was hard to live with the consequences. And you know what? At the end of it all, I didn't feel guilty for the way I'd parented. There was no shame put on him or constant nagging and threatening. There was just facts and choices and follow-through, and it was great! I am very excited about my new-found revelation, and am looking forward to implementing it more. I'm sure I'll post more about it :D