30 days of truth

So there's this blogging trend going around right now where you answer a question every day about yourself, and you have to answer honestly. I think it was supposed to start at the beginning of the month, so I'm going to have to do a bit of catch-up :o)

Day 1
Something you dislike about yourself

Ok, nothing like starting off with a bang! To be honest, I am very critical of myself in every area of my life. My tendency is to focus on all the ways I don't measure up, then feel down about it (seriously, my sister has gotten a good earful just by asking me how I'm doing when it happened to be a couple days before a certain 'aunt flo's' visit). BUT I know this about myself, so I don't let it run my life, and I try not to focus on my faults, but rather to accept them as a fact of life. It's hard for me to swallow, but I know I will never be perfect....but it pains me.... I want to be a perfect mother to my beautiful children, a perfect wife for my handsome hubby, and a perfect person full of self discipline and motivation.... which probably leads into the number one thing I dislike about myself: lack of self discipline
Yeah, if I think about it, every area where self discipline is required in life is lacking for me. I am pretty much only motivated by ultimatums and pressing deadlines (which I usually end up missing because I am a terrible judge of time). I am late ALL the time and feel very shameful about it after the fact, as I've most likely been grumpy with the kids to hurry up even though it's my fault we're late in the first place. I also don't have a lot of self discipline in the areas of physical wellbeing - ie. going to bed on time, eating well, resisting temptation to eat more of the things I really like, not exercising, over-spending, and not having the discipline to do things I don't FEEL like doing. I wish there was a magic button I could push that would make me want to only make good decisions based on knowledge that would take future consequences into account, but no, I just continually let feelings be the basis for my decision making. Yup, this would have to be the number one thing I dislike about myself, just thinking about it makes me angry and disappointed with myself.... (this is kinda heavy for a blog post!)

dreary

It is an absolutely dreary day outside. The wind is howling, garbage is blowing all over people's yards, everything outside is wet, the greenery of summer is almost gone, and it's just a sad, sad, day.


This is the view out our front window...


My once beautiful flowers which I loved so much


My now yellow hosta lying down for the winter


Nothing but grey skies


proof of a windy night


but in the midst of the bleariness, a happy little monster will greet you at our door

How I Love Them

>

Pictures Pictures Pictures

Like most 3 year olds in this day and age of digital cameras, Ethan LOVES taking my point and shoot all over the house to take pictures of.....absolutely everything. No, I mean EVERYTHING. Here are just a few for fun :D

Peek - you can see a portion of one of the beloved police cars that are fought over daily in our house


Yes, this is how I look on a daily basis, and no I would not ever post a picture like this in colour...


CHEESE :D


Wow. A light switch.


Poor Anthony wasn't sure what was going on when he was so rudely greeted by a flash in the face


But of course he was thrilled that his big brother was the one greeting him :o)




I had NO idea my hair looks THIS bad in the morning... I will most definitely be putting it in a ponytail/bun the minute I get out of bed from now on.

Fall

Fall is beautiful and wonderful, and I love it. I've always thought I was a summer person, but this year I realized that I HATE being hot!! You see, the thing is, I am a face sweater. Seriously. My FACE sweats. Not my armpits or other parts of my body, just my face. Awesome. Aren't I lucky? This summer on a particularly hot day, I was doing a photo shoot in someone's apartment and of course my face was dripping like nobody's business. I kept wiping and wiping it, and was getting quite frustrated with the constant need for it! After a little while of going through that, I actually had the client ask me if I was ok and if I needed a glass of water or to sit down!! Did I seem that bad?? Apparently so! Since that incident I've been thinking about what I could do to help me with my little 'problem'.... smear anti-persperant on my forehead? No, I think I might get zits or some kind of forehead cancer from it.... wear a sweatband? I do remember going to a friend's wedding where their photographer wore a sweat band, but he was an old guy with a grey beard and pot belly, so it kind of worked for him. For me? Not so much. So I think I'm going to start exercising.... does being in shape mean that you sweat less? Ethan is 3 and has quite obviously inherited the sweating head gene because his hair gets soaking wet just from jumping on the bed.... so after all this thought and study, I have come to the conclusion that yes, I should be in better shape because although it won't make me stop sweating, it will make me have less body fat, which in turn will keep me cooler. Cheers.

Praying

We always sing a little prayer song at the playgroup we go to, and Anthony LOVES singing it. I just had to get it on video because I want to remember his sweet little voice forever. Just last night I was watching videos of Ethan at this age, and I couldn't believe that was my big 3 year old boy! He was so little and used mis-pronounce words; it's amazing how quickly they learn and grow up. I've been trying to get Ethan on video lately, but he just doesn't want to, and won't really do anything for it, so I might have quite a few videos of Anthony over the next little while. Oh well, I'll keep trying :D

More?

For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted four kids. I only have one sister, and while growing up I always wished I'd had more siblings. My mom came from a family with 4 kids, and that made Christmas and holidays SO fun because there were so many cousins and lots going on. Seriously, one of the biggest highlights of my childhood was playing with my cousins, and to this day I still love them so much and am very close with them. Part of me feels sad for my kids that they'll never have experiences like I did since my one sister is possibly not having anymore kids, and Chris' one brother is single.
SO, this is the basis for my longing to have a big family, coupled with my love of kids. For as long as I can remember, I ALWAYS played with kids younger than me, and could spend countless hours playing things that most kids my age wouldn't dream of playing because it was 'below' us. BUT, and here's where the dilemma comes; being a parent is a lot more work than I ever thought it would be. It's not just playing for hours with cute little characters that make you laugh...
As I'm sure I've mentioned in previous posts, I put so much pressure on myself (and Chris) in the area of parenting. I am constantly aware of the fact that the way we treat our kids, talk to them, nurture them, discipline them, etc etc... shapes who they become, how they view themselves, and how they relate to other people. So when I lose my patience or don't give my kids the attention I think they should have, don't do the activities that I think I should be doing with them, don't give them enough one-on-one time, etc... it makes me think that I shouldn't have 4 kids anymore because I don't know how I would do. Three kids seems like a good number because it's more than 2, but not 4, ha ha ha! But then if we would have another one, it would be quite a bit younger than the boys, and if it ended up being another boy, he would probably be tagging along with his brothers, forever living in their shadow... so then I would want to have another kid, but what would that do to my other kids? Would it be hard to spread my love equally? I don't believe in having 'favourites' and feel horrified when families have them, but I can see how the younger babies/kids can steal the show just because of their age. So then would the older ones feel resentful? And part of me just feels sad that my babies (my boys) wouldn't forever be the centre of our worlds (not that our lives revolve around them, but you know what I mean) Ack! All these things to think about, and now that we're getting closer to the point where we need to make the decision about #3, I find myself thinking about it more and more.
And here's one more thing that I barely even know if I want to say.... but I find myself feeling happy with my 2 boys. Content actually... and that scares me. It honestly brings me to tears because I've always wanted more kids and I feel like I would forever regret it if we didn't have at least one more. I feel like I would actually have to grieve if we decided we were don. I love my boys so much, and I feel like there's someone missing who is so special and that I'll love as much as them, like our family just isn't complete... but then I look at my boys' beautiful smiling faces as we're hiding in our 'tent' or tickling each other before bed, and I feel so happy and content, like they're enough.... so there is this battle within me that is constantly going on. With both boys, we didn't 'decide' to have kids, as they were both 'oopsie babies' (that were welcomed with open arms!!) :D So we have never ever had to be the ones to decide when to have kids..... and I suppose I'm hoping in my heart of hearts that we won't have to, that God will place his mighty hand on this situation, and once again decide for us. His plans far surpass my plans anyways <3