More?

For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted four kids. I only have one sister, and while growing up I always wished I'd had more siblings. My mom came from a family with 4 kids, and that made Christmas and holidays SO fun because there were so many cousins and lots going on. Seriously, one of the biggest highlights of my childhood was playing with my cousins, and to this day I still love them so much and am very close with them. Part of me feels sad for my kids that they'll never have experiences like I did since my one sister is possibly not having anymore kids, and Chris' one brother is single.
SO, this is the basis for my longing to have a big family, coupled with my love of kids. For as long as I can remember, I ALWAYS played with kids younger than me, and could spend countless hours playing things that most kids my age wouldn't dream of playing because it was 'below' us. BUT, and here's where the dilemma comes; being a parent is a lot more work than I ever thought it would be. It's not just playing for hours with cute little characters that make you laugh...
As I'm sure I've mentioned in previous posts, I put so much pressure on myself (and Chris) in the area of parenting. I am constantly aware of the fact that the way we treat our kids, talk to them, nurture them, discipline them, etc etc... shapes who they become, how they view themselves, and how they relate to other people. So when I lose my patience or don't give my kids the attention I think they should have, don't do the activities that I think I should be doing with them, don't give them enough one-on-one time, etc... it makes me think that I shouldn't have 4 kids anymore because I don't know how I would do. Three kids seems like a good number because it's more than 2, but not 4, ha ha ha! But then if we would have another one, it would be quite a bit younger than the boys, and if it ended up being another boy, he would probably be tagging along with his brothers, forever living in their shadow... so then I would want to have another kid, but what would that do to my other kids? Would it be hard to spread my love equally? I don't believe in having 'favourites' and feel horrified when families have them, but I can see how the younger babies/kids can steal the show just because of their age. So then would the older ones feel resentful? And part of me just feels sad that my babies (my boys) wouldn't forever be the centre of our worlds (not that our lives revolve around them, but you know what I mean) Ack! All these things to think about, and now that we're getting closer to the point where we need to make the decision about #3, I find myself thinking about it more and more.
And here's one more thing that I barely even know if I want to say.... but I find myself feeling happy with my 2 boys. Content actually... and that scares me. It honestly brings me to tears because I've always wanted more kids and I feel like I would forever regret it if we didn't have at least one more. I feel like I would actually have to grieve if we decided we were don. I love my boys so much, and I feel like there's someone missing who is so special and that I'll love as much as them, like our family just isn't complete... but then I look at my boys' beautiful smiling faces as we're hiding in our 'tent' or tickling each other before bed, and I feel so happy and content, like they're enough.... so there is this battle within me that is constantly going on. With both boys, we didn't 'decide' to have kids, as they were both 'oopsie babies' (that were welcomed with open arms!!) :D So we have never ever had to be the ones to decide when to have kids..... and I suppose I'm hoping in my heart of hearts that we won't have to, that God will place his mighty hand on this situation, and once again decide for us. His plans far surpass my plans anyways <3