Getting Out

I am someone who needs to get out. Often. So, we do. (How's that for a few short sentences in a row?) For the first year of Anthony's life, we were pretty much house bound, and we've come full circle! So now we go to 2 play groups a week, Steinbach one day a week to hang out with family, church on the weekends, and usually throw a playdate in there too. I've just gotta say that it has made a WORLD of difference in my life (and the boys).
For so long I moped and sat at home, bored, stir crazy, depressed, until one day I hit my breaking point and had a meltdown. That meltdown was the best thing that ever happened to me because it made me get off my butt and do something about my life!! I realized I needed to forge ahead, grab a branch to pull myself out of the deep mud pit I was stuck in instead of waiting for someone to come pull me out. It's so easy to blame other people for the dissatisfaction we might feel in our lives rather than take ownership. I also realized that when we often feel unhappy with other people or focus on their weaknesses, we are actually dissatisfied with ourselves. It is SO much easier to point the finger at others (especially in marriage) than look at ourselves.
So I have begun once again, a journey of healing and dealing with my $#!T. And in case you aren't sure what that means, yes, it means counselling! I wasn't sure if I wanted to admit that on here because it might somehow make me vulnerable or seem weak or damaged. But the truth is, we all are damaged, no matter how 'perfect' our upbringing was. I'm sure many people would assume mine was. And it was great, but not perfect. I've learned that Children always perceive life through their innocent naive minds, and they can't understand situations and events the way an adult can. This results in baggage. I'm sure almost all of us can remember times when our parents were very angry with us, and those memories can still bring up some strong feelings in us.
So when I started noticing anger rising in me towards my kids, I knew something had to be done. There was no way I was going to raise my kids in a house where they didn't feel completely secure. Anger always has a negative effect on kids, and can very easily cause damage with life long effects. "But everyone gets mad at their kids" you might say. And this is true, but I've learned that once you are completely healthy and free of your own hurt, you will still feel the anger, but not nearly to the same extent, and you will be able to control yourself and act rationally.
And although I'm not there 100%, I have actually seen it happen in my life. I no longer am triggered when Chris and I disagree, I can stay completely calm and level headed. I also have the ability to look at a situation with my kids and realize that they are just kids. Innocent, childish, kids who don't need to be punished in order to obey, they need to be taught. It is my job as their parent to teach them, to teach them with grace. They will ALWAYS mess up, they will repeat the same mistakes again and again, and just like God has grace for my mistakes, I need to have grace for theirs.
I am not writing this to say how amazing I am, or how all-together I have it. I am writing this because I feel free, free from the bondage of my past, free from the vows I made against people who hurt me, free from the lies I believed, and free from the shame that came along with all the mistakes I have made. And if by any chance someone reading this feels bound and hopeless, it's to show that there is hope. Nothing is too big for God, and He knows where we are and what we need. Feel free to write me if you want to talk or want to know of a good place for counselling. There is no shame in going. If anything, there is ignorance in thinking we can do things all on our own. Blessings <3