Procrastination

I invited my grandpa and his new wife, Esther over for dinner tonight because I had to give them their wedding pictures. But first, a little history: I am a procrastinator. Always have been, always.....won't be?? I'm hoping! Usually when we have people over, I am praying they'll be late because I'm NEVER ready on time. Ever. No matter how good my intentions, I just can't seem to get my crap together and produce on time! This actually rolls over into many areas of my life because I'm also always late arriving places. What's up with that? How do other people actually succeed at being on time?? I prepare things in advance, I wake up early (or intend to at least, that's gotta count for something), I plan..... but to no avail. I'm always late. But that's not the point, that's the history.
So, in my attempts to be prepared and not be rushing at the last minute, I sent all the pictures to the photo lab on Friday, assuming I would have the pictures by the next day like I have in the past. Saturday rolled by.... no phone call saying the pictures are done. Sunday rolled by... no phone call. Monday is the big day of picture delivery, they MUST be ready THREE days later, so I didn't wait for a phone call, I called them. It ends up the photo lab is closed on weekends, so ALL orders received over the weekend have to be processed on Monday, which means they often aren't all filled until Tuesday. "You've gotta be kidding me!!" But thankfully since my order was placed on Friday, I was close to the top of the list. Woohoo! But still, my plans were wrecked. I had wanted to get the pictures in the morning, giving me plenty of time to put them in albums, play with the kids, clean the bathroom and wash the floors while the boys slept, prepare the dinner during lunch so I wouldn't be flustered at the last minute - all the details that a wonderful hostess unlike myself would do. If the pictures weren't done until mid afternoon, that would be nap time and I don't have anyone to come over to stay with the boys while they sleep so I can run out. If it was after nap time, that would be cutting it very close since the lab is 20 minutes away. So I did what every married woman does - called my husband for help! Oh how I love my husband.... so he agreed to pick up the pictures on his way home from the course for work he was at today, saying he'd call when he left.
The rest of my day did go pretty smoothly, I prepped for supper during lunch, cleaned the bathroom as planned, Anthony fell asleep great, Ethan didn't sleep and woke up Anthony... not so great... so I washed the floors with the boys awake. What is it with kids needing to be right under your feet each step of the way?? It's cute and all that they want to 'help' but come on! Sometimes you just need to 'git er done!' without worrying about redoing the work you just did because of those little feet! So yes, I patiently, very patiently, since I'm very patient.... coaxed the boys not to walk where it was wet.... pffft, try coaxing a 19 month old not to walk on a wet floor? How could you? Nope, so I got out the gate and locked them in the downstairs :D
They actually didn't mind because I gave them a snack, don't call CFS ;p
Then just as I was looking forward to Chris' arrival with my pictures, with just one hour until my eager guests arrival, he called to say he hadn't picked up the pictures because when he'd called to tell me he was leaving, I didn't answer the phone. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? He was. Jerk.
But finally, finally for once in my life I had done it. I had thought of all the details and would accomplish a successful dinner party. All I had to do was mix a couple ingredients to spread on my casserole, pop it in the oven, and I would have a whole glorious hour to focus on the pictures. Uh no.
To make a long story short, I didn't pull it off because I didn't have oregano. Oregano of all things, a key ingredient in what I was making, so I had to drive to the store (where I realized I hadn't planned dessert so I had to buy stuff for that too), which took 20 minutes, go home, mix it up, pop it in the oven, then had a whopping 15 minutes of flustered, frantic picture putting-in (??) while my cranky one year old dumped a bag of blocks all over the clean living room, and then my ever-so-early grandpa arrived 15 minutes early. Who does that?? My kids were both wearing pyjama shirts with no pants, I had a shirt on that was too small, the casserole wasn't done cooking, the once clean living room was a mess, and best of all I had NO PICTURE album to hand to them! Awesome.
I explained to the circumstance, and they very graciously waited for me to finish, and I must say, their reaction was worth all the chaos. They sat and laughed and talked about every picture and the day. It was very cute and I was just happy to have it done. My next post will be about what happened around the dinner table. Stay tuned :D

Ummm.....

I'm not really sure what I'm going to write about, but I feel like doing a post... OH, I know! RANDOM TUESDAY, WOO HOO!

I started Weight Watchers yesterday and am pretty pumped. I planned a lot of snacks and meals, as lack of planning has been one of my biggest mistakes in the past. The last time I started, I was pretty depressed, so it was a bad time. This time I know I'm going to be successful, and although part of me feels like not even mentioning it or not even trying because I've failed in the past, I know that I have to keep trying because staying this way isn't an option!! I really feel that if I have enough great meals and snacks, I can do it! I'll keep you posted. Mondays will be my 'weigh day' so we'll see how week one goes!

I'm listening to Anthony cry in bed right now. What the heck, Anthony? He's SO tired because he was at a sleepover at my parent's on Sunday night, didn't get nearly enough sleep that night, wouldn't nap the day before, and only napped an hour yesterday. "You're seriously tired, kid! So get the hint that I'm not getting you out of bed, and GO TO SLEEP ALREADY!"

I have a never-ending list of things to do in my head at all times. It consumes my thoughts. But I feel like I can never actually get all the things done because as the days go on, more things get added. Yes, things get crossed off as well, but the list just never ends!! I find this overwhelming sometimes, and wish I could have a live-in nanny :D Just kidding, but that would be sweet as far as sending them all to the park while I accomplish things.

In relation to the prior post, I find it hard to know what to 'play' with my kids sometimes, and it seems like as long as we're home, my never-ending list consumes me to the point where I can't really focus on anything else.... this isn't good, I need to spend more floor time with my kids. It has been super nice to go outside though, we have lots of fun outside.

I hear water trickling somewhere...... I wonder if the upstairs toilet's handle needs a jostle.

Edit, edit, edit.... that is what I must do now.... and go see if Anthony pooped....

Getting Out

I am someone who needs to get out. Often. So, we do. (How's that for a few short sentences in a row?) For the first year of Anthony's life, we were pretty much house bound, and we've come full circle! So now we go to 2 play groups a week, Steinbach one day a week to hang out with family, church on the weekends, and usually throw a playdate in there too. I've just gotta say that it has made a WORLD of difference in my life (and the boys).
For so long I moped and sat at home, bored, stir crazy, depressed, until one day I hit my breaking point and had a meltdown. That meltdown was the best thing that ever happened to me because it made me get off my butt and do something about my life!! I realized I needed to forge ahead, grab a branch to pull myself out of the deep mud pit I was stuck in instead of waiting for someone to come pull me out. It's so easy to blame other people for the dissatisfaction we might feel in our lives rather than take ownership. I also realized that when we often feel unhappy with other people or focus on their weaknesses, we are actually dissatisfied with ourselves. It is SO much easier to point the finger at others (especially in marriage) than look at ourselves.
So I have begun once again, a journey of healing and dealing with my $#!T. And in case you aren't sure what that means, yes, it means counselling! I wasn't sure if I wanted to admit that on here because it might somehow make me vulnerable or seem weak or damaged. But the truth is, we all are damaged, no matter how 'perfect' our upbringing was. I'm sure many people would assume mine was. And it was great, but not perfect. I've learned that Children always perceive life through their innocent naive minds, and they can't understand situations and events the way an adult can. This results in baggage. I'm sure almost all of us can remember times when our parents were very angry with us, and those memories can still bring up some strong feelings in us.
So when I started noticing anger rising in me towards my kids, I knew something had to be done. There was no way I was going to raise my kids in a house where they didn't feel completely secure. Anger always has a negative effect on kids, and can very easily cause damage with life long effects. "But everyone gets mad at their kids" you might say. And this is true, but I've learned that once you are completely healthy and free of your own hurt, you will still feel the anger, but not nearly to the same extent, and you will be able to control yourself and act rationally.
And although I'm not there 100%, I have actually seen it happen in my life. I no longer am triggered when Chris and I disagree, I can stay completely calm and level headed. I also have the ability to look at a situation with my kids and realize that they are just kids. Innocent, childish, kids who don't need to be punished in order to obey, they need to be taught. It is my job as their parent to teach them, to teach them with grace. They will ALWAYS mess up, they will repeat the same mistakes again and again, and just like God has grace for my mistakes, I need to have grace for theirs.
I am not writing this to say how amazing I am, or how all-together I have it. I am writing this because I feel free, free from the bondage of my past, free from the vows I made against people who hurt me, free from the lies I believed, and free from the shame that came along with all the mistakes I have made. And if by any chance someone reading this feels bound and hopeless, it's to show that there is hope. Nothing is too big for God, and He knows where we are and what we need. Feel free to write me if you want to talk or want to know of a good place for counselling. There is no shame in going. If anything, there is ignorance in thinking we can do things all on our own. Blessings <3

Random

I recently saw that it's common to have "Random Thoughts Tuesday," and since I missed the boat on Tuesday but I still want to do it, I'm doing it today!

The first thing that comes to my mind is PICTURES! I have so many pictures to edit, and it takes SOOOOOO long.... I'm really considering raising my prices, or limiting the amount of pictures I give people because right now I'm spreading myself too thin.

We are going on a family vacation with Chris' family to Kelowna in August and we're SOOOOOO excited!! His parents rented 2 cabins, and we'll spend a week there, woo hoo! I know the boys will love it and so will we. I'm hoping we can make it a tradition, it will great memories for the kids. With that though, comes lots of activity and swimming..... which reminds me that I will have to show some skin. A thought that doesn't thrill me. So I've decided to do Weight Watchers again, starting on Monday. I decided to make big signs to put on my cupboard and fridge that say "IT'S NOT WORTH IT!!!!" and one that says "Kelowna = swimsuit." Hopefully that will be some good motivation for me! I'm sure I'll be talking about the ups and downs of weight loss in future posts :p

I love spring, and love even more that I can send the kids outside to play while I'm preparing meals! We've been playing outside every day and it's so great for all of us. Watching the boys is so awesome, Anthony just follows and mimics Ethan which is adorable. They are such a great little team. It makes me really happy we had them so close together. I can't imagine having only one child, and being their only playmate. Siblings are so good for kids, it teaches them that the world doesn't revolve around them, how to play together, how to share, and how to work out problems. It's just great!

Sometimes I wonder if investing so much time on the computer is really a good thing, even though it is somewhat relational. Things like blogging or moms boards, Facebook..... they definitely are a good connection to the outside world, but I wonder if I didn't have them if I'd invest more time in relationships close to me....

Well that's enough random thoughts for today. Bye :D

For The Records

Ok, for my own records I just need to record the things that Anthony started saying last week. One morning we were walking down the stairs and Anthony stopped. He wouldn't keep coming so I said "come on Anthony." He looked at me and said "I don't want to."
WHAT??? I figured I must have mis-heard him, so I said "Anthony, come here."
"Why? I don't want to."
Shock. Was my 18 month old baby actually saying that to me?? How? Where? When did he figure out what that means?? Ahhh right.... his older brother. Ethan didn't say such things at his age, he talked about busses and trucks, animal noises, and could even count to ten... because his parents were the ones he was learning from. Not so with little brothers. But I don't mind, I actually find it so stinking cute every time he says it (and believe me, he says it A LOT!), and try hard not to smile. What can I say to that sweet little face? :D
The other thing he's picked up on is saying "Please please please! Please mommy! Please!" Seriously, if he ever wants ANYTHING he has resorted to begging... and again, I find it kind of adorable. It sounds annoying to read, but just imagine a cute little 1 1/2 year old with a high pitched voice, who is just learning how to talk say it. So stinking cute.
And I can't remember what the other one was.... hmmm... it will have to wait for another day.
But I will also write about the fact that Anthony LOVES singing, and will put any word into a song: usually to the tune of twinkle twinkle. When we're driving in the car, he'll just sing away "mommy mommy mommy mommy, etc..." to twinkle twinkle.
Oh yeah, one more cute thing he does is call out for things. He's done this since before he was one, but lately it's gotten a little more elaborate. Eg. he'll ask me "mommy, where's one?" (he means where's the other one, if he's looking for a shoe, or something that has more than one of something)
So I'll say "I don't know, where is the other one?"
Then he'll turn around and as loudly as he can bellow, he'll say "ONE, WHERE ARE YOU?? ONE?? ONE?? WHERE ARE YOU??"
I love that boy.

Puddles

My boys love puddles. Ethan wakes up in the morning asking to put on his rubber boots to go play in the puddles. He looks out the picture window in our living room talking about the big puddles in our front yard... I didn't know there was so much to say about puddles!! So we've been going out every day (even in the -2 degree weather!) to splash and play. It's been so fun to watch the joy on the boys' faces as they kick and stomp and jump.... well Ethan jumps, and Anthony just squats and says "GUMP!" (it's so funny watching kids learn how to jump! And yes, Anthony actually says gump instead of jump :)

So in all the excitement and lack of planning on my part, I decided to walk with the boys to Safeway the other day, which is about 4 blocks down our street from our house - lots of puddles! Ok, never again! Never again! We live on a fairly busy street, and the sidewalk we were walking on had lots of driveways and roads across it. Apparently it had been way too long since the last time we'd gone for a walk because Ethan forgot all rules about stopping at the roads... and because Anthony wanted to walk too, he was off in every direction in search of new water. We had made it about 1/4 of the way there, and my voice was almost hoarse from yelling "STOP" to Ethan because he kept going too far ahead of me and Anthony, and almost going onto the street! So I had to do what every loving parent does to teach their 3 year old about the dangers of the street... I told him why he can't go on any roads without me - because he could get hit by a car, get hurt very badly and bleed everywhere, and even die.... Is that a little harsh?? It worked. So ever since, our bedtime conversations have included such statements as: "I don't want to go on the road because I can get hit by a car and get dead." I'm not sure how I feel about that, but I had to tell him the truth, it's a very serious matter. He's very easy to reason with, and understands why he can't go on the road, it's just a matter of him remembering or being able to resist the urge to jump in the puddle that's in the middle of the road!!

Anyways, I'm not sure the reason for this post, maybe just to remember our first puddle jumping experience with both boys. It was actually pretty amusing because Anthony kept yelling "ETHAN STOP," and would even point his finger at him. I'll have to try and get it on video :D

Photo-graphy

You might not know this, but I am not only a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom for all you computer illiterates), I do indeed work. Kind of. I have a photography business on the side that helps keep me sane, as well as add a lot of stress.... "How does that work?" you ask? Well, I needed something else.

Being a mom is the most rewarding job and purpose I have ever had, and it is something I wanted most in life for as long as I can remember. I wouldn't trade it or change it for anything..... but... Yes, there is a but. I needed something for me. It's so easy to get lost; lost in your kids, lost in your house, lost in the responsibilities of life. Life can just become monotonous and for a personality like mine, the monotony becomes overwhelming. So I needed a hobby; something to call my own, something to bring variety and excitement to my life. A new challenge.
And photography was the answer! I have been learning and growing as a photographer for the past while, taking courses, taking pictures, learning the business end of it, and now seeing where it takes me! The reason for this post isn't even to introduce that part of me, especially since most of you who read this already know that, but it is to talk about what I'm like as a photographer.
I just did my second wedding this past Saturday, and I'd have to say I wasn't excellent. For starters.... I almost don't even want to admit it..... oh geez... I forgot my camera. Nope, you didn't read that wrong.... the photographer forgot the camera! What the heck?! It was sitting in my garage, waiting for me to grab it. Chris and I had been trying to cram the step ladder into my car, I had the tripod, many bags, lunch, water, snacks, etc... all to haul to the car, and in the midst of it, I forgot the bloody camera!! So I sheepishly knocked on the door to let the expectant bride know the bad news, only to be greeted by her lovely mother who remained dead-pan as I told her my plight. If I wasn't feeling bad enough already, that definitely made me feel worse! So I raced a train on the way home, in order to save every possible second, praying I wouldn't get a speeding ticket. Luckily I didn't.... unluckily, the train had stopped on the tracks for the way back, so I had to take a detour, adding a good 5-7 minutes onto my trip - precious minutes I didn't have. But I made it back to the bride's house in 15 minutes, greeted by smiling faces; they could have bad-mouthed me the whole time I was gone, but they were nice when I walked in the door, and I'm glad! That would have made for a rough day if I felt like there were ill feelings towards me :(
On to the ceremony.... it went pretty well, I only made a couple of minor errors..... like not knowing the groom was walking his mother in because we didn't practice that at the rehearsal... or like not getting a 'great' shot of the bride walking down the aisle... it was a REALLY short aisle!! I took 3 pictures of her walking down, and none of them are fabulous... what can I do? I hope the rest of the awesome pictures will make up for it.
There are so many details to remember as a photographer, and it is A LOT of work, a lot more work than I thought it would be. It might seem like an easy job, but when you're not using a 'point and shoot' camera, and not just shooting on automatic, you'd be surprised how much you actually have to know! There's a reason you can take full 10 month diploma programs in college! So for those of you who don't know about the settings, this will seem like Greek to you, but I accidentally left my ISO on 1000 for some of the pictures.... yes I did.... what is wrong with me?? UGH! We had to do indoor pictures due to weather, and I was shooting from up on a balcony looking down. The flash didn't look great in the pictures, so I didn't want to use one. The only way I could do it was to turn my ISO up.... well, for the next bunch of pictures that I could have had my ISO on 400, it was on 1000. I was looking at the pictures afterwards and wondering why they were looking kind of grainy... well that's why. Sigh.... I gave this couple a stellar deal, and I went above and beyond in capturing beautiful, fun, creative, and timeless pictures. I hope that will override any disappointment they might have.... and I really hope they don't have any disappointment at all!!! I'll post pictures on my FB group tomorrow :o)

Little Anthony

And then there was Anthony. I've been asked if it's hard not to have favorites with your kids, and the answer is "absolutely not!!!" I love BOTH my kids SO much, I could never imagine loving one more than the other. After my post about Ethan, it might seem like I just adore Ethan, but I can write just as much about my love for Anthony. I think it's so cool how God makes our hearts capable of loving so many people with equal amounts of love.

My first year with Anthony wasn't as easy as Ethan's, but the circumstances were SO different. We moved to Winnipeg about 2 months before I had him, I didn't have access to a vehicle very often, Ethan almost 18 months old when he was born, and Chris was pretty much working all the time. Looking back on that year makes me kind of sad actually. I don't think I enjoyed my kids as much as I should have. It was so hard. I was basically a single parent and completely isolated. I ended up getting depressed, and found basic things hard. Things like getting two kids out the door, dishes, playing with my kids, giving baths, getting ready for the day, just basic every day things.

But I still adored my baby Anthony. I cherished every moment he was awake in those first few months because I knew they would slip by, all too quickly. I loved it when Ethan was sleeping, so I could give Anthony the same one-on-one attention that Ethan got as a baby. From the beginning, Anthony was a happy baby. He smiled at 3 weeks old, and never stopped. He giggled (something his brother never did as a baby!!), cooed, and loved interacting. I'm so thankful for both my boys' big smiles because they bring so much light when the world can seem so dark.

So as for who Anthony is today:

- Fun - this boy loves to have fun! He is constantly laughing and trying to get us all to look at him. It's not good enough for me just to acknowledge him, after I have, he'll call "Eesan! Eesan! (Ethan)" until his brother answers (and it's actually very cute because I often hear Ethan saying "wow" to Anthony just to be nice, ha ha!!), and then onto Chris "daddy look! Daddy look!"

- verbal - I don't remember how much Ethan was talking at this age, and I know he was also an early talker, but Anthony blows me away all the time! He is now putting 2 - 4 words together on his own:

- mommy, what you doin? (seriously, ALL day he follows me around asking, then when I answer he says "oh." Then asks again)

- want up

- want this

- let's go

- here we are

- over there

- mommy look! Airplane! Up there! (he LOOOOOVES airplanes, and I hear this alot!)

- he can count to 4 (whenever I put food on his tray, he always counts the food one, two, three, four... one, two, three, four)

- want another one

And the thing is, anyone can understand him, it's not just baby babble. We were just at a party on Sunday, and he was asking the other parents for things, and they could understand what he was asking for.

- musical - Anthony sings and sings the instant any music comes on. He not only sings, he dances to all music, and if we're not dancing, he tells us to! "Eesan, dance! Eesan, dance! Mommy, dance!" Ha ha! Needless to say, we do A LOT of dancing around here!

- demanding - Anthony knows what he wants, and he will make it known! I think that as a second child, he has to make himself heard, so he does! Neither Chris or I ever give into tantrums, so they don't last long at all, but he will frequently throw himself on the ground and shriek :D

- cuddly - Anthony loves cuddling, and I love it! After a nap, he just wants me to hold him and he rests his head on my shoulder. Ethan was not cuddly at this age, so I'm just soaking it up for as long as I can!

So that's my little 18 month old! He's a funny little guy who adds a lot of spice to our home. I can't imagine life without either of my boys, and I love the different dynamics they bring to our lives. I will hopefully post a video to show a little glimpse of our life :D

Crack Me Up!!!

Ok, my boys are just too funny, the longer I have them in my life, the more I love them! It's SO amazing to watch their relationship grow, and to watch their personalities develop. Where do I even begin? I'll start with Ethan, my little 3 year old!

Ethan just turned 3 a week ago, and I can hardly believe it. A monumentous day that was filled with laughing, shrieking, running, and playing.... and in the midst of it, I was sad..... I was trying to figure out why, so I talked it out with my good friend, Lauren, who shed some light on the reason. I really miss my baby Ethan. I LOVE who he is now, and wouldn't change anything about him, but I just really was grieving the baby who he was..... it's almost like the loss of a person and an experience. I had an incredible baby experience with him, he was an angel, and a true gift from God. I soaked in every minute of his life, studied him, held him, knew him better than I'd ever known another person. It was an incredible year for me, a whole new world I had known nothing about. I had no idea how much I could love his innocent, dependent little life: his big smiles, the mischievous twinkle in his eye, celebrating his firsts with him, encouraging his independence, and getting to know his personality. I felt like I got to re-live the simple and pure joys of life. So when I look at my little boy who reasons with me, challenges me, and says witty things, I can't believe it's the same person. I love both of them equally, but there is something special about that first year with your new baby

So, enough about that, now for who Ethan is today! The first words that come to my mind are:

- smart- he is seriously going to be an engineer or something similar because from the time he was old enough to walk, he has always figured things out, been obsessed with tools and putting things together, and loves to focus on problems until he figures them out. Everyone who knows him agrees. He's totally a mathematical and logical thinker, and has little interest in playing pretend. I'll give some examples of how he plays: at any play group we go to, he will always play with the doll houses, but not in the way you'd suspect. Instead, he finds all different sizes of cars and trucks, and fills each room of the doll house with them, LOL! (I'm not saying that's a sign of being smart, but more of how he's a mathematical thinker). He actually plays with hot wheel cars all day, and never gets sick of them. He has little trailers for them to go in, so he fills them with the same 5 favorite cars, then takes them out. If he's not fitting his cars in different small spaces throughout the house (like the central vac. hose), then he's hauling them around, trying to carry as many as he can in his arms.

- mischievous- I always know when he's doing something he's not supposed to, because he looks straight at me and smiles :D Seriously, rather than run and hide when he's being naughty, he just looks at me and smiles! But it's not a regular smile, there is a sly look on his face that is thrilled with himself.... actually, now that I think about it, I have a feeling it's because I almost always laugh when he's mischievous... oh boy, I better work on that....

- silly - he loves making us laugh, and loves making Anthony laugh. It's so great watching them play together (when they're actually playing, not having a tug-of-war with a toy), it's getting more and more, the older they grow. They chase each other up and down the halls, roll on each other on the floor, jump on the couch, jump off the couch, crawl DOWN the stairs headfirst (yeah, Anthony learned that from Ethan!), and sometimes they'll play with cars together.

- sensitive - Ethan has a very soft heart, and can easily get hurt feelings. He totally fits the mold of the oldest child- always aware of the moods of others ("mommy, please be happy"), very conscientious ("mom, Anthony's spilling his water!!" or "Anthony's not supposed to touch that!"), and looks out for his baby brother (he'll often just pat Anthony's head or make sure he's included in things). We are very aware of Ethan's emotions, and make sure we always validate them. It's easy to shluff off a pre-schooler's antics, but we've noticed it goes a long way when we just ask him why he's crying, and he'll tell us. We can then very easily reason with him, and he's fine. I still find him very easy and a true joy. Sometimes at night, I still miss him when he's sleeping, and I find myself with a tear in my eye because he is such a precious soul.