Parenting

I posted this on Facebook a few weeks ago, but thought I'd also put it up on the blog:

I was just lying in bed thinking about my kids and how much I love them. I had so many memories of cute things they did throughout the day, and they made me smile. As I was thinking about kids, it got me thinking about something I'm passionate about; not giving kids labels. So here is how I feel about it. Let me know if you agree, disagree, or have anything to add.

I believe very strongly in praising your kids more than reprimanding them, and building them up so they're confident individuals who know and love who they are. (They're going to have enough negative things pointed out to them from peers and the rest of the world their entire lives!) Part of that is not giving your kids labels. If you don't know what I mean, here are some common ones:

- you're so bad

- you're such a drama queen

- he'a a liar

- she's a troublemaker

- he's a brat

- she's annoying

- you're weird

- you're a little devil

You get the picture. Here's the thing: we all DO bad things, or TELL a lie, or ACT dramatic, but that isn't WHO we are. If you tell a kid he's bad all the time, he'll believe you, and BE bad. Why wouldn't he be? If you tell your kid "that was a bad thing you did, and I know you're not a bad boy, etc...." that is the correct message. I definitely get annoyed with my kids, but I also put the ownership on myself, not them. I say "I am very annoyed right now" or "man that's annoying."

So if you are a parent and you realize you do this sometimes, please start giving your kids positive 'labels' like:

- you're special

- you're lovable

- you're pretty neat

- you're creative

One other thing that's been bothering me lately is that lots of parents make their kids be happy when they're upset about something, especially when they're toddlers (terrible twos). The reason this bothers me is because you're telling them it's not ok to feel anything other than happiness. Well I don't know about you, but I'm definitely not happy all the time, and God gave us a wide variety of emotions to feel. One of the reasons there is such a problem with addictions is because people don't want to have to deal with their problems or feel their pain, so they find vices to stuff their emotions. If we tell our kids to stop crying, or to be happy when they're sad or grumpy, we're not teaching them how to deal with their emotions or validating them. Their feelings are valid, even if we find the whining annoying, and it's our job as their parent to teach them how to handle their emotions.

For toddlers, you teach them that it's not ok to freak out and make everyone uncomfortable, so they need to remove themselves and let out all their frustrations somewhere else (maybe their room or on the stairs), that way they don't stuff their emotions. Then we need to go in and talk about why they were upset. I am in no way a perfect parent, and don't want to come across like I think I am. These are just a couple of things I feel pretty strongly about, so I thought I'd throw them out there and see what kind of feedback I get.