Settling....

My life has been pure chaos for the past 2 months at least, and it is finally over. I have been (barely) keeping it all together to get everything done that has needed to be. Sometimes I couldn't do it, and needed help, but it's finally done. We house hunted, packed up our house, and moved, all in the matter of a month. That was stressful and difficult. Chris and my worlds are so different yet the same. His work is so all-consuming, that he could barely be present to be involved in everything that needed to be done, which once again put it all on me. As mentioned in previous posts, I'm not good at having everything put on me. I feel overwhelmed, then shut down. It happened again, but on a small scale because I didn't exactly have that as an option. Then we got to be in our house for almost 2 weeks before going on a one week holiday. Again, Chris was gone for most of that time, and dealing with 2 young boys adjusting to a new house/room/bed was one more thing to deal with on top of pregnancy cramping and pains, unpacking, organizing, cleaning, then packing for a holiday. Then a wonderful holiday that was beautiful and perfect, but exhausting at the same time. I slept approx. 4 hours a night, and the boys were probably 4 hours short of sleep each night... then a rough travel day filled with walk-in clinic visits, ear infections, rough plane rides, puking kids, long lay-overs, and a very late night..... and then I was home.....kind of. My house was still in chaos. There were boxes everywhere, clutter, dirty floors, dirty dishes, messy rooms, clothes laid out from last minute packing, and an overwhelming sense of upheaval. Chris of course had to go off to work the next morning, and will be gone for another 3-4 days.
So since being home, I've been grumpy and very overwhelmed. After a couple of days, I have managed to do a lot of necessary cleaning and unpacking/organizing, but it comes at a price. My pregnant body becomes sore and screams in protest. My children become antsy and start fighting after being home for too many days without the necessary attention they deserve. And knowing that everything is done, and I can finally settle makes me start to shut down. I've been too overwhelmed, had too much on my plate, and have too much on my heart and mind, to be able to function well. I just feel like crying. And sleeping. I want to cry and sleep, and have no responsibility. I don't want the added pressure of parenting on top of all the things to do. And there are always relationship issues that weigh me down.... *sigh*
I hope I can snap out of this, and really just start to relax and enjoy our new house and town. I love being here so much, and can hardly believe we're actually back. I know it's the right place to be, but getting here has been hard.... I wish Chris was a banker....that would be so sweet.... :p

For Parents

I have a link that I've been meaning to share with you all for a long time. Now be warned, this link is not for the faint of heart, and it really is a heavy. Don't read it if your kids are around, or if you're expecting company.
If you are a parent or an auntie or uncle, or anything of the like, you must read it, and you need to read it when you have time to process it. It has impacted Chris and I greatly, and has definitely affected the way we take care of, and talk to our kids. It's a hard truth, but it needs to be told. I don't share this link to provoke fear though, so if you are prone to that, you might not want to read it. I am sharing this to provoke action. To provoke protective action for our children.  This blog post is written by someone who is very close to one of my best friends and it has hit too close to home for me....

http://dollfamilyzone.blogspot.com/2010/07/breaking-silence.html

The Hardest Part...

of being a single parent for half the year/half the month/one week at a time, is feeling bound. If you didn't already know, my husband Chris is a medevac pilot 'up North.' In plain English, he flies an air ambulance in the Northern communities of Manitoba Canada. So, our life is that he lives in Thompson, MB for a week, then is home for a week. When he took the position, I was nervous about it. I didn't know how we would all do....
Well let's just say it went worse than anticipated. He's been doing it for almost 6 months (I think?) and it doesn't get any easier. I can honestly say that I hate it. H.A.T.E. it. I am no supermom, and don't do well when I feel overwhelmed. But I've been surprised at what I've found the most overwhelming. It hasn't been the boys and their ever increasing rambunctiousness, ever increasing realization of how to push other people's buttons (as in MY buttons or a certain sibling's), the constant correcting, teaching, and re-directing. No, I can deal with those with ease.....until I feel alone. I have struggled the most with loneliness. I've come to learn that I don't do well when I'm alone and feel like everything is on me. To use a common term: I buckle under pressure. I become reclusive, introspective, distant, and basically want to hide under a rock and not see anyone.... does anyone else see the IRONY in that?? That sentence is like an oxymoron! When  I get lonely I want to be alone?? Yes. It's weird but true. But here's where the parenting part comes in.... um, I HAVE children.... so I don't very often get to be alone. Oh yes, I can always have some space here and there when they're playing or napping or sleeping. But even then, I am ALWAYS responsible. I don't get to run to the store in the evening if I need some groceries or much needed household items. I can't put in ear plugs and have a good long nap if I'm exhausted. I don't get to go shopping with a girlfriend if I feel like it. Now this post isn't about having a pity party. I don't want pat on the backs or 'poor you's.' I just want to get it out. I want to articulate it for myself in an attempt to somehow deal with it, accept it....maybe even embrace it....
You might be reading this and think "It's only for a week at a time, at least you get your husband home for an entire week!" Well....yes. That does sound nice....in theory. When Chris comes home, he's tired. And I don't mean 'tired from a long day at the office,' tired, I mean exhausted from crazy shift work, from having 15 hour days of flying through intense weather systems, worrying about getting sick passengers to the hospital, worrying about the ice that is so thick on the windshield that the heated windshield isn't even enough to clear it, worrying about the ice build-up on the tail and body of the plane, hoping the rubber 'boots' on the wings will be able to blow up big enough to burst all the ice off of it. And on top of that, having to deal with clearances, air laws, equations and formulas, procedures and laws, cabin pressure and mechanical failures with the plane, and the list goes on. Being a pilot is exhausting. When he gets home, he is literally a write-off for the first 2 days, if not 3. He sleeps and sleeps and sleeps, wakes up exhausted, then sleeps some more. So really I have the kids for a full 10 days without any real help. It is nice when he's home because he can at least give the boys hugs and kisses and tuck them into bed, but in fairness to him, I don't have expectations much higher than that. And when he is home, he also wants to have a life, and will often go out 2 of the nights he's home, so really that leaves me 2 nights. And I won't even mention the fighting involved with two tired, overworked parents trying to fight for their own 'freedom' in a sense..... or the conflict of child rearing when one parent has been doing it a certain way for a week, then the other one comes in and has different expectations of what discipline looks like....it's been difficult....really difficult.
So I have become secluded. I've withdrawn. I've been messy inside. I haven't quite known how to handle the pressure. I feel a lot of pressure, and a lot of loneliness. And this is the real me. It's hard to admit because more than anything I want to rise to the occasion, grab the bull by the horns, and do it well!!  But I haven't. Oh there have been times where I've made conscious decisions to go out, socialize, be interactive, make an effort....only to come home to an empty house, greeted by the agonizing realization that I'm alone and it's all on me....
In writing this, I realize I do have to get my s#!* together and figure out how to function better even with the pressure. I realize that becoming secluded isn't the answer and definitely isn't fair to my children. To be totally honest, I wish I had my college friends around me (the friends I made in my high school/college years are still my best ones!). The friends that are dear to my heart and that I love on a deeper level. The friends I can be real with because we have a history. I want to live beside all of them, so we could run to each other's doors with our kids in tow. We could take turns making supper and eating all together, we could have sleepovers with our kids.....life would be so grand. But since that is not a reality and never will be, I have one prayer: to make new 'college' friends..... real friends who live near me and who are kindred spirits.... friends who make me laugh, and laugh at me. Friends who are just easy. So easy to hang around that it feels like family. No facades, no 'keeping up with the Jones', just real.  (and I do have a couple that are on the way to that level, but it's just different as an adult)
And I will end this long, melancholy post by thanking the wonderful, true friends that I have and love. You know who you are (there are more than one!) and you know that I will always consider you a bestie. Thank you for the long, real phone conversations, and that distance will never make us grow apart. I miss you more than you know <3
AND this post wouldn't be complete without mentioning the fact that if it wasn't for our amazing families, I probably would have ended up in a psych ward (I'm being a little dramatic!) Unfortunately Chris' family lives in Edmonton, but Chris' mom came and stayed with me for a week when he was gone, and we also went out to Edmonton. They are ALWAYS a blessing in my life and my boys life, and I can't imagine what our life would be like without their input and generosity!
And thankfully we do have one set of grandparents around (my parents), and truly truly, I don't know what I would have done without them. We have ended up on their doorstep many a times! And when I was at my very lowest, they welcomed us in and gave my boys a happy life when I was unable to give it to them. They also often come over and are just here for us. I do SO much better when there are people here, especially family, and having them stay with me and the boys has been a lifesaver. My sister has also been my rock. I can always call her and know that she'll know the right words to say to help me get through. So I am not alone, and I know this. In the midst of hardship and loneliness, there has been lots of support for me, and for this I am eternally grateful <3

Torn

As you might have noticed, I go through blogging phases. Like many areas of my life, I get gung-ho about it for a while, then lose interest, and on and on the cycle goes. I don't know if I want to admit this, but sometimes I feel like a yo-yo. For example, when I read a blog written by an amazing mother going through hardship that writes non-chalantly and wittily about the woes in her life, it makes me want to take life less seriously and write about things in a light-hearted, easy-read kind of way. I like being funny and silly, and making people smile.
But then other days I'll read a blog that is so raw, so real, so open, that it touches a part deep within me that makes me want to pour out my deepest, hardest questions and struggles because somehow in reading someone else's honesty, it makes me feel free. It makes me feel normal and ok. It makes me want to bring others that freedom. If you read about someone struggling with fear or rejection, doesn't it somehow give you freedom with that person to be real about your own struggles? Honestly, when I read someone's blog that is all 'sunshine, roses, and lollipops,' about how wonderful their life, their husbands, their kids are, it makes me feel somehow.... inferior? I don't know the right word... but I do know that I have changed the way I think about blogging.
I've had experiences with friends in my adult life where being real was never accepted. The only things talked about were other people's shortcomings or the surface, meaningless topics like weather, fashion, house cleaning, or the doings of our children. Don't get me wrong, there's a time and a place for those conversations, but when a friendship grows deeper, doesn't it have to get to a deeper level? But I truly believe for some people, it never can. In order to become close to people, you have to let guards down, you have to be real and vulnerable. It's the only way. The reason I bring this up is because I have sometimes feared being real on my blog because I think some people won't know how to handle it and will judge me. I've believed somewhere along the line that people don't want real. But I'm starting to think otherwise. I think people need to see real in order to experience an element of freedom. Freedom from their own fears of being rejected for having 'stuff.'
Now don't worry, I'll never be one to turn into a 'Negative Nelly,' and I definitely don't believe in only focusing on the negative - let's face it, that's just depressing..... but maybe, just maybe, it's ok to be in a low spot for a while.... maybe sometimes life is just hard, and it's ok to admit it. We all need a Saviour to lift us out of the miry clay, but in the meantime, maybe we have something to learn while being in it.
So I am changing the way I blog. This blog is going to be real. If I'm having a rough patch and need to get out some tough questions swirling in my head, I will. If I have awesome times with the loved ones in my life, I'll post about that too. I just want real.

When I was little...

The boys LOVE hearing stories about when I was a little girl, so while we drive, I will often tell them story after story about my life as a child. Last night I had already told them about 6 stories, and really didn't feel like telling any more, so I asked Ethan to tell me a story. Now before I tell you his story, I need to give you a bit of background information. The last story I had just told them was about how my beloved puppy wouldn't listen when we called her, and she would run out the door. One time she ran right in front of a car, but the car braked just in time and Taffi (the dog) was actually under the hood of the car, but inches in front of the tire. I explained that I was so happy she was ok, and I hugged her and hugged her (the story was a lot longer than that and in more detail, but that's the gist of it). Ethan asked if she got in trouble for disobeying and I said no way, I was just so happy she was ok. SO, that's the background and here's Ethan's story:

"One time when I was a little baby in your tummy, I didn't listen, and ran onto the road and got drove over by a car. RIGHT over my tummy and I was bleeding and got killed...... (I said "oh no, that's terrible") but it didn't really hurt....well it did a little.....but not too bad.....but I was ok......I just needed a band-aid."

WOW, I don't ever tell them stories like that!
So for the next 10 minutes of our drive home, the boys took turns telling stories, and oh my goodness, the things they come up with are hilarious! Of course I can't remember them now because they were just so random, but I told them I want them to tell me a story so I can take a video of it, and I will definitely post them on here!!

Life

My house is a mess.
I have so much work to do.
I've been editing pictures for days.
I've been leaving the house work so I can finnish the pictures.
My mother-in-law is coming on Monday morning.
I have a lot of work to do by then.
I might have to go buy a Red Bull for the first time ever.
My teeth feel fuzzy.
I need a shower.
Today is pretty much a TV day for the boys.
I've taken some rests to go play with them. It's nice :)
I don't feel guilty that it's a TV day.
That's a big step for me. I usually feel guilty.
But it's ok.
They've had an awesome week and will have an even better one coming up.
This is just life.
Sometimes we have to get work done.
Sometimes the house suffers.
Sometimes relationships suffer (based on lack of time)
But it's ok.
It's just for a short while.
And if I don't get the house cleaned before her arrival.
It's ok.
It's good enough.
Not perfect.
But good enough :)

the simple things

Smiling faces fill our house with joy





Ethan loves making funny faces. 
He always wants me to take pictures of them. He loves looking at them.




Anthony is obsessed with Mr. Potato Head's glasses.
Sometimes he pokes himself in the eye




Joy

Truth 11 - Something people seem to compliment you the most on

Ok, these truths are either depressing; making you dredge up dark stories from the past, or else they make you talk about things that make you sound vain! So here I go again, tootin my own horn. Toot toot!! What do people compliment me the most on?? I don't know.... it's definitely not my fashion sense (or lack thereof)... or my punctuality.... hmm..... I guess because of this blog, I have gotten compliments on my writing, which really baffles me!! I don't consider myself a writer AT ALL! I've never enjoyed writing or had a strong desire to do so. In fact, the only reason I blog is for the pure entertainment of it. I just like reading other people's blogs, and end up feeling inspired to write stories of my own. Maybe it's natural that I like blogging because I love a good story. I can turn a normal check-up at the dentist in to a gut splitting, nail biting, edge of your seat adventure if I really feel like it :D
I'll often be going through my day and make up elaborate stories to post on here from the happenings going on around me or the thoughts I can never seem to turn off, but usually by the time I sit down they've left me, and were only used for my own entertainment to help me through the monotony of my life :D

I used to think blogs had to be a play-by-play of your life, filling the world in on all the details of yours and your children's doings, but I've realized that isn't the case at all. Posts can be simple, deep, funny, boring, a soapbox sermon, or whatever you want to talk about! And I like that. For me it's become an outlet; I find myself thinking and thinking and thinking all day long, and this is just a nice place to get those thoughts out. I actually have a totally secret blog that no one knows the password or URL to. Only me. It's my venting blog. When I'm really rip-snorting mad, I go and vent as fast as my little fingers will let me. I used to try to journal, but who can even write anymore?? I know I can't! My hand starts cramping after the first paragraph! I think that's because I'm a hard writer though. I try so hard to remember that I don't need to etch each letter into the paper like a carving on a wall, and I always start off great but once I start to feel the seizing in my hand, I know I've resorted to my old, hard pressing ways. Sigh. So, I gave up on writing a long ago, and have switched to typing. I LOVE typing. If anything, I should get compliments on my super duper high speed typing fingers!! You can't even see them they're moving so fast! If I was a super hero I'd be Super Typer Girl!

A Re-Post

Oh my goodness, I just found this post from March, and I had to re-post it. It's such a funny story, and I had completely forgot about it! Enjoy :D


Procrastination

I invited my grandpa and his new wife, Esther over for dinner tonight because I had to give them their wedding pictures. But first, a little history: I am a procrastinator. Always have been, always.....won't be?? I'm hoping! Usually when we have people over, I am praying they'll be late because I'm NEVER ready on time. Ever. No matter how good my intentions, I just can't seem to get my crap together and produce on time! This actually rolls over into many areas of my life because I'm also always late arriving places. What's up with that? How do other people actually succeed at being on time?? I prepare things in advance, I wake up early (or intend to at least, that's gotta count for something), I plan..... but to no avail. I'm always late. But that's not the point, that's the history.
So, in my attempts to be prepared and not be rushing at the last minute, I sent all the pictures to the photo lab on Friday, assuming I would have the pictures by the next day like I have in the past. Saturday rolled by.... no phone call saying the pictures are done. Sunday rolled by... no phone call. Monday is the big day of picture delivery, they MUST be ready THREE days later, so I didn't wait for a phone call, I called them. It ends up the photo lab is closed on weekends, so ALL orders received over the weekend have to be processed on Monday, which means they often aren't all filled until Tuesday. "You've gotta be kidding me!!" But thankfully since my order was placed on Friday, I was close to the top of the list. Woohoo! But still, my plans were wrecked. I had wanted to get the pictures in the morning, giving me plenty of time to put them in albums, play with the kids, clean the bathroom and wash the floors while the boys slept, prepare the dinner during lunch so I wouldn't be flustered at the last minute - all the details that a wonderful hostess unlike myself would do. If the pictures weren't done until mid afternoon, that would be nap time and I don't have anyone to come over to stay with the boys while they sleep so I can run out. If it was after nap time, that would be cutting it very close since the lab is 20 minutes away. So I did what every married woman does - called my husband for help! Oh how I love my husband.... so he agreed to pick up the pictures on his way home from the course for work he was at today, saying he'd call when he left.
The rest of my day did go pretty smoothly, I prepped for supper during lunch, cleaned the bathroom as planned, Anthony fell asleep great, Ethan didn't sleep and woke up Anthony... not so great... so I washed the floors with the boys awake. What is it with kids needing to be right under your feet each step of the way?? It's cute and all that they want to 'help' but come on! Sometimes you just need to 'git er done!' without worrying about redoing the work you just did because of those little feet! So yes, I patiently, very patiently, since I'm very patient.... coaxed the boys not to walk where it was wet.... pffft, try coaxing a 19 month old not to walk on a wet floor? How could you? Nope, so I got out the gate and locked them in the downstairs :D
They actually didn't mind because I gave them a snack, don't call CFS ;p
Then just as I was looking forward to Chris' arrival with my pictures, with just one hour until my eager guests arrival, he called to say he hadn't picked up the pictures because when he'd called to tell me he was leaving, I didn't answer the phone. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? He was. Jerk.
But finally, finally for once in my life I had done it. I had thought of all the details and would accomplish a successful dinner party. All I had to do was mix a couple ingredients to spread on my casserole, pop it in the oven, and I would have a whole glorious hour to focus on the pictures. Uh no.
To make a long story short, I didn't pull it off because I didn't have oregano. Oregano of all things, a key ingredient in what I was making, so I had to drive to the store (where I realized I hadn't planned dessert so I had to buy stuff for that too), which took 20 minutes, go home, mix it up, pop it in the oven, then had a whopping 15 minutes of flustered, frantic picture putting-in (??) while my cranky one year old dumped a bag of blocks all over the clean living room, and then my ever-so-early grandpa arrived 15 minutes early. Who does that?? My kids were both wearing pyjama shirts with no pants, I had a shirt on that was too small, the casserole wasn't done cooking, the once clean living room was a mess, and best of all I had NO PICTURE album to hand to them! Awesome.
I explained to them the circumstance, and they very graciously waited for me to finish. In the end, I must say, their reaction was worth all the chaos. They sat and laughed and talked about every picture and the details of the day. It was very cute and I was just happy to have it done. My next post will be about what happened around the dinner table. Stay tuned :D

Truth 10 - Someone you need to let go or just wish you didn't know

Oh geez, there is someone!! How many people actually have one of these? I was surprised that right away someone popped into my head. Now before I get your hopes up of hearing who it is, I'll say right now I would never say who it is on here. I have way too many people who read this who would know them! Now aren't you curious?? I bet you are! If you're super curious, feel free to shoot me an inbox message, but I might not tell you, depending if you know them, ha ha!! So, this infamous person I need to let go of has actually been out of my life for a long time, but I need to let them go from my heart. You see I actually really care about them and love them a lot. But you can only get as close to someone as they'll let you. If they never let you in, the relationship can only go so far, and is in fact one-sided. That's what happened with us, and it ended up being really painful for me, causing me to have insecurities which surprised me! I am usually very confident in who I am. I actually like myself and know lots of people who enjoy me as well :p

It's no fun to be around someone who makes you feel insecure and unsure of yourself, but what if you really genuinely like them?? What if you like what they stand for, the way they treat people, and the way they run their life but every time you leave them you wonder what they really thought of you because of the way they talk about other people? Other people who are their close friends! You know they talk the exact same about you... so you feel insecure because you wonder what they really think, who they really are, and if they'll ever be able to be real. This situation was my first time encountering it, and it had a very negative effect on me that caused me a lot of pain. But that is in the past and I have moved on. It took me a while, but I have mostly moved on. I say mostly because if I'm truly honest, I hope they'll one day realize they let a wonderful, true friend go.....that their life is somehow less full because of it. But as time goes on, that hope gets more faint, and I'm fine with it; I've even learned to be thankful for it for various reasons....but I still need to let it go completely from my heart. (wouldn't it be funny if I posted a big picture of that person? BAH HA HA!!!)

Truth 9 - someone you didn't want to let go of, but just drifted

Well it's pretty clear I'm not going to get these truths out in 30 days. One truth this day, two another day - whatever. I'll get them done in my own sweet time :p And yes, I realize I skipped truth 8 which was "someone who made your life hell or treated you badly." First of all, I think that's a little weird to write about (especially since there's almost a 100% chance it would get around to that person, thanks to Facebook), and I'm not doing it because I simply don't feel like it - there I go making decisions based on feelings again! See!!

So onto #9 - Oh boy, I can think of so many! I was a kid who had to move around a lot - between going to 3 high schools in 3 provinces, a college where most people come from far off places to study at, and working at summer camps where people also travel from abroad to work at, it makes it very easy to make really great relationships in short periods of time that drift apart mainly because of distance. (was that run-on sentence? I don't feel like fixing it). I think the hardest ones for me were my high school friends from Thunder Bay though. I had some of the best years of my life there (grade 9 & 10), and had to move away for grade 11. The beginning of that year was one of the hardest times of my life. Seriously, SO hard. I felt like my life got frozen in time and at the same time I was just going through the motions in a deep dark hole. I would come home from school and do nothing. I'd have baths almost every night and just sit in the tub and cry... My T.Bay friends had brought me so much life, so much joy, so much excitement. I belonged, I had a place, I LOVED my friends! Then I moved to a place where I was nobody. I felt like a nobody. I was in a new high school where I was basically a flea on the wall... in a school so different from the one I loved so much. I didn't understand the new people; they acted differently, dressed differently, and treated me differently (I should mention though that I ended up meeting some great people there, and have stayed in contact with them, and I ended up finding some wonderful friends who I still love - AND it's where we had the opportunity to have Ami as our international student which was amazing and I loved her as well).
I stayed in really close contact with my T.Bay friends that first year being away, and even went back in the summer to work with them at the summer camp I grew up going to. But then I moved once again, even further this time, and as the story goes, we drifted.... I went back a few times, but it was different and I was sad about that. But that's the way life goes, and even though it was really hard on me to feel so far away and so out of the loop, part of me is thankful I moved when I did because I only have the good memories of them. Maybe if I had stayed there, circumstances would have driven us apart or we would have gone separate ways. Maybe that would have been harder on me... All I can say is that I'm thankful for the years I had at Fort William Collegiate Institute, and I'm thankful for Facebook so I can keep in touch with all the people who have been important in my life - especially the ones I've 'drifted' from :o)

Truth 7 - someone who has made your life worth living for

Ok, my initial reaction is to say "DUH! It's obviously my kids!" but that might come across rude... so I'll put a bit more thought into it... hmmm.... if I think about it (back to my life before kids), really it's the relationships in your life that make it worth living. Even as a kid, you just LOVE your friends and want to play with them all the time. As you get older, you realize how important your parents and siblings are; how big of a role they actually play in your life. Then you fall in love and want to spend every breathing moment with that person, and then kids - they're a whole different level of 'worth living for.' So I don't know if I could pick just one. No, actually I can't. People are worth living for. Relationships are worth living for. Life is worth living if you invest in relationships. Did I just say the same thing 3 different ways?

Truth 6 - something you hope you never have to do

Oh there are so many! Should I just make a list? That might be entertaining... Ok you convinced me, I'll write whatever pops into my head. Go:
- eat some sort of gross thing like they make people do on reality TV shows
- undergo chemo
- have a job where I have to wake up really early
- move somewhere where I don't know anyone
- have to exercise like they do on 'Biggest Loser' to the point where they puke
- build a house by myself :p
- count the hairs on my head
- pull someone's rotton tooth
- stay awake for over 24 hours
- (I won't even get into anything involving other people's bodily fluids...)
- be the first one at the scene of a deadly accident
- and of course the ones involving burying loved ones...don't want to go there.

Truth 5 - something you hope to do in your life

Hmmmm.......I guess I should just write about the number one thing that pops into my head. I sat here for a few minutes trying to decide what I should say; maybe something about going back to school, becoming a grandparent, impacting lives, blah blah blah. But really the number one thing I think of is just to go to Japan. It sounds so simple and possibly anti-climactic, but there is just a special place in my heart for Japan. I had my first Japanese international student, Aki, when I was in grade 9. She was so sweet, kind, loveable, and in a sense, I fell in love. There was something about their culture that appealed to me right from the beginning. Perhaps it was their politeness and generosity. I'm always blown away at the amount of gifts they bring us, and their ability to express sincere gratitude. The following year, we got TWO students, who I also adored (Kumi & Kenji), then when I moved to Winnipeg for grade 11, the high school I went to ALSO had an international program for students from...... where else?? JAPAN of all places! I even got to take Japanese for a full semester that year, and I loved it! Our international student that year was Ami, and to this day, we still love her like she's part of our family. She actually came to Winnipeg to visit us a year and a half ago, and it was like long lost friends re-united. We hadn't seen her in over 10 years! THEN, when I went to college, I got my TESOL certificate (teaching english to speakers of other languages), in hopes of going to........ Japan!....... to teach ESL. (in my second year of college, the only Japanese student at the school was in my dorm too - seriously, is this a sign????)
But then..... I got married. It sounds sad, but you know how it is; life swoops you up, and before you know it, you're a stay at home mom, married to a pilot who is gone for a week, home for a week, and the dreams of your youth somehow get lost in dirty diapers and wiping noses :o) I know, I know, there are many married people who this didn't happen to, but Japan was MY dream, not Chris', and I just think it wasn't our time. But our time will come, and Chris even says that we WILL go to Japan someday. (secretly I hope we live there..... shhh)

Recently my parents went to Japan for their international student's wedding (Miwa - another one who feels like part of our family), and I was SOOOOOO excited for them!!!! The day they flew there, I kept thinking "I can't believe they're STILL in the plane! I've done so much today, and all they've done is FLY!" When they got there, I waited for their Skype call, and ended up talking to them up to 2 times a day during their holiday!! At one point when they were telling me all about their experience, I got a little teary eyed and felt really sad because they were doing what I had wanted to do so badly for so many years. But that's ok! I WILL go to Japan one day, and it will be awesome! I can't wait to see my wonderful Japanese friends who made me fall in love with them and their culture <3

This is my parents with our wonderful friend, Ami, on their recent visit to Japan <3

I've been thinking...

...so much about parenting lately. I know, BIG surprise! But my full time JOB is to be a mom, so you can see why it consumes so much of my thoughts and time. I have two boys. Two wonderful, bouncing boys. When they were babies I heard a small rumour that boys are 'more difficult' as toddlers.... so I got a book on how to raise boys. This book told me that boys are more energetic, competitive, have short attention spans, and in general they act first, think later... but this hadn't been my experience. I found my boys to be super easy, they listened excellently, weren't rambunctious, and overall a joy to be around. I went to a playgroup where one of the other moms had a boy about 8 months older than Ethan (who was 2 at the time), and she would tell me that he was so much work because he just wanted to run and be active all the time. Again, I couldn't relate.



But then, one day, quite recently, I realized that my boys are turning into boys. Real boys. The way I've heard boys described. And I get it now. I get why people say they're harder to handle in these early years. I'll be sitting at the computer editing pictures and all of a sudden snap because I realize Ethan is bouncing beside me. Literally, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, on the spot, right beside me!
"Ethan, just stop! PLEASE go bounce somewhere else!"
Or I'll be fixing something like the hose on the dryer and realize that Ethan is just sitting there crashing a car into my leg "Ethan! Stop it, that hurts me! Go crash somewhere else!" So then he'll start knocking on things in the laundry room - the washer, the furnace, the dryer - pretty much everything loud he can find. "ETHAN, please stop that, it's too loud!" And thus it continues... SO, the point of this post is about parenting, not on the actions of my energetic 3 1/2 year old. I found myself shouting to get his attention, using punishment in hopes of correcting his behaviour, threatening with removal of privileges or favourite toys, to no avail.... Ethan had figured out how to work me!! One night I realized that for a few nights in a row, Ethan would constantly get out of bed, turn on his light, and read or play in his room til 10:00 at night! For a few nights, I'd go up, threaten with spankings, not going to friends' houses, etc... but his actions weren't changing. Yes, it would take a few times and he'd quit, but I'd prefer to prevent the behaviour from happening altogether! My sister happened to call me one evening as this process was occurring, and I ended up having a good talk with her. Then the next day I read a good parenting article online, and had a revelation.

I have changed the way I parent. I've known for a long time that we shouldn't use punishment as a way to control our children - it might seem effective, but doesn't actually teach them to be self motivated or learn how to make right choices based on internal motivators. All that punishment does is teach them shame for their actions. I've known this for a while, but was finding it hard in the moment to know how to implement the type of parenting I know I should do! SO, I've realized that I need to discipline without anger. Anger is often used as manipulation to get others to do what WE want, including our children. They often know that they don't actually have to listen until we 'get mad.' Kids need to learn to make good choices based on natural consequences. For example, Ethan kept getting out of bed so I told him that he needed to make a choice - bedtime could be a really special time of the day where we read stories and have snuggles, and he gets his favourite blankets, or it can be an unhappy time of the day if he chooses not to obey. If he doesn't obey when he's told to go to the bathroom and brush his teeth, then he doesn't get a story. If he gets out of bed, I will take his favourite blanket away. But the KEY is in the delivery. I am not angry when I tell him this. It's just a fact. He has a choice to make. One with good results, one with negative ones. It actually took a couple nights for him to catch on, and resulted in him not getting to sleep with his favourite blanket. He CRIED AND CRIED for his blanket, but I told him softly and lovingly that it was hard for me to take it away because I knew it made him sad, but that was the choice he made and that it was hard to live with the consequences. And you know what? At the end of it all, I didn't feel guilty for the way I'd parented. There was no shame put on him or constant nagging and threatening. There was just facts and choices and follow-through, and it was great! I am very excited about my new-found revelation, and am looking forward to implementing it more. I'm sure I'll post more about it :D

Truth 4 - something you have to forgive someone for

Forgiveness. It can be a hard one for me. Since I was a little girl, I would hold onto things that other people had done to hurt me, intentionally or not. I would use unforgiveness as a form of protection so I wouldn't get hurt anymore. It's so much easier to feel anger or bitterness than pain. I remember my mom telling me that I needed to keep my heart soft and not let it become hardened, because she could see in me this tendency to hold on to unforgiveness. The problem is, I'M the one who suffers when I don't forgive, not the person I'm bitter towards. I've heard that unforgiveness is even linked to physical ailments. When Chris got in a very bad car accident because of a drunk driver, the psychologist right away told him he needed to forgive the driver because it would help him with the healing process. This is of course, very easy to have as head knowledge, but heart knowledge is so much harder. So is there someone I need to forgive? Off the top of my head, I can't think of anyone. I have had to work VERY hard at letting go of all bitterness I have, and have even made a list of everyone who came to mind - from as young as junior high when kids are so hurtful, to my own parents and husband - and I went through each one of them and made a conscious choice to forgive them. Now even with that done, I can still actually think of a few lingering quietly at the forefront of my mind, and have once again, right now, made a mental note that I need to forgive them..... but unfortunately for you, I won't share them, no need to 'air dirty laundry' or stir up drama, LOL!!!

Truth 3 - something you have to forgive yourself for

Hmmm.....what DON'T I have to forgive myself for??? I mess up every. single. day. Seriously. I am not perfect by any means! For real, I actually have to forgive myself every day for not being the perfect parent. It's been a hard realization for me. I had such ideals before I had kids on how it was supposed to look, so when I realized it's pretty much impossible for me to be patient and intentional in my parenting all the time, it was a big blow. A big blow. I cried a lot in the first little while of Ethan pushing my buttons and me not responding the way I knew I should. That being said, I'm growing and learning how to be the parent my kids need, along with being human and continually asking forgiveness from them and Chris, and continually forgiving myself :o)

Truth #2 - something you love about yourself

Oh man, I find these kinds of questions hard to answer because I hate sounding egotistical....the truth is, everyone IS egotistical because from the day we're born, we're only aware of our own needs and wants. Being empathetical or considerate is actually a learned trait based on how we're treated or taught. Anyways, enough of that rabbit trail...something I love about myself...do my kids count? I really love them and they're kind of 'myself' since they're 50% from me :D No, in all honesty, I have learned to love things about myself in order to stay happy and content in life. I think it's important to know your value so that you can be a blessing to others as well as yourself!! So, one thing I 'love' about myself is that I am (usually) happy and positive. I literally light up when I see people and love smiling and making eye contact with people.

This isn't something I have to force myself to do, it is really just who I am and the way God made me. I believe I should use that to make other people feel good about themselves. I think it also a positive characteristic to have when child-rearing. I light up when I see my kids and greet them warmly. I already see them doing the same thing to each other and the other people in their lives. This makes me happy. I hope to teach them how to be great men of integrity with the ability to love. To truly love and think of others. I think men often get so wrapped up in providing and being successful that it's hard for them to engage. I hope to teach my boys the importance of taking the time to engage with other people. The end.

dressing up and going out

So Halloween is so cute and fun! I LOVE seeing all the little kiddies in their costumes waddling around, and of course find my own extra cute! We didn't end up taking the kids out trick-or-treating this year because they're still little, and didn't feel the need to do it since they don't know about it yet. Also, I HATE all the scary evil stuff that goes along with Halloween, and didn't want them exposed to anything that might scare them. Speaking of, Ethan informed me the other day that ghosts howl. I of course was shocked and quizzed him on where he learned that from (good luck getting a straight answer out of a 3 year old who couldn't accurately tell you what he did 5 minutes ago). To which he answered that he likes ghosts. So I asked him what a ghost is and what it looks like...... he said something along the lines of it being a happy monster. Relief. I'm fine with him thinking that.... I didn't want to have to go there yet. So instead we did 'what all good Christians do' and brought them to church. But seriously, that was a kickin Halloween party! In Ethan's words (repeated again and again throughout the night) "THIS IS THE BEST PARTY I'VE EVER SEEN!"


Our first party on Friday night was at our church in Steinbach and they actually had fire trucks, ambulances, and semi trucks outside for the kids to go in. The lights were flashing and they even got to honk the horns and sit in the driver seat My boys were in HEAVEN!






There were 2 different auditoriums set up with big bouncy structures. Ethan liked this one :)



Love that little ninja bum ;)



Ohmygosh, they filled an entire room with balloons and it was amazing! The kids played in there for over half an hour for sure



Stuck in the play structure that was full of balloons


Sweet little police officer (we forgot his hat in the van, it totally finished off the outfit)


Cute little tiger

30 days of truth

So there's this blogging trend going around right now where you answer a question every day about yourself, and you have to answer honestly. I think it was supposed to start at the beginning of the month, so I'm going to have to do a bit of catch-up :o)

Day 1
Something you dislike about yourself

Ok, nothing like starting off with a bang! To be honest, I am very critical of myself in every area of my life. My tendency is to focus on all the ways I don't measure up, then feel down about it (seriously, my sister has gotten a good earful just by asking me how I'm doing when it happened to be a couple days before a certain 'aunt flo's' visit). BUT I know this about myself, so I don't let it run my life, and I try not to focus on my faults, but rather to accept them as a fact of life. It's hard for me to swallow, but I know I will never be perfect....but it pains me.... I want to be a perfect mother to my beautiful children, a perfect wife for my handsome hubby, and a perfect person full of self discipline and motivation.... which probably leads into the number one thing I dislike about myself: lack of self discipline
Yeah, if I think about it, every area where self discipline is required in life is lacking for me. I am pretty much only motivated by ultimatums and pressing deadlines (which I usually end up missing because I am a terrible judge of time). I am late ALL the time and feel very shameful about it after the fact, as I've most likely been grumpy with the kids to hurry up even though it's my fault we're late in the first place. I also don't have a lot of self discipline in the areas of physical wellbeing - ie. going to bed on time, eating well, resisting temptation to eat more of the things I really like, not exercising, over-spending, and not having the discipline to do things I don't FEEL like doing. I wish there was a magic button I could push that would make me want to only make good decisions based on knowledge that would take future consequences into account, but no, I just continually let feelings be the basis for my decision making. Yup, this would have to be the number one thing I dislike about myself, just thinking about it makes me angry and disappointed with myself.... (this is kinda heavy for a blog post!)